a manifesto

Since I feel like one of these days, sooner or later, I will be diagnosed with Actual, Verifiable, Clinical Insanity, I decided to get a jump on the process and write my manifesto. I know that most of the crazies wait to do this as the Last Step in showing everyone else in the world that they are, in fact, crazy, but I figure that the reason most people don't pay attention to the crazy peoples' manifestos is that, well, they're written by crazy people and they don't make any sense; if I write it now, while I'm fairly sane, it might make sense and people therefore might pay attention.

So, here you go. It's mostly (ok, all) about how to ride your bike on Conveyeances of Public Means of Getting From One Place to Another, so if you want to just skip it altogether, please feel free, I won't be offended. Promise.

For People Who Drive Big Metal Vehicles Propelled by Internal Combustion Engines:
1. The bike lane is not a right-hand turn lane. When you use it in this manner, I have to stop behind you, unclip from my pedal and then after you are done turning (which surprisingly can take a really, really long time), I have to clip back in and start pedaling. This makes me feel like it's taking way too long to get where I need to go.

2. When you pull up to a four-way stop and there's a bicyclist at one of the other three stops, but you have the right away and are supposed to go first, don't sit there and wave me through. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that you are trying to be considerate, but believe me, I have judged the appropriate amount of time it will take you to get through the intersection and have allowed for that when determining how much speed I need to maintain perfect balance so that I don't have to unclip (see number one for an explanation about how annoying this is).

3. Stop running red lights. When you do this, you come dangerously close to running me over. And we all know who would win in that collision.

4. Just because I'm wearing a helmet, doesn't mean you have to be any less careful when operating your VPBICE around me.

For People Who Ride Self-Propelled, Two-wheeled Vehicles:

1. Sidewalks are for walking, not riding. When you ride on the sidewalk PWDBMVPBICEs become confused and don't know where you fit in the whole Rules of the Road Thing. Then they start treating all bicyclists like they are WMDs, which leads to what happens in numbers 1 and 2 above. there are plenty of bike lanes in this town. Use them.

2. Obey all traffic laws if there are any PWDBMVPBICEs around. Otherwise, they grow confused and it leads to number 2.

3. Put lights on your bike. If you don't, PWDBMVPBICEs can't see you and are likely to run into you.

4. Wear a helmet. Form is not better than function people. You will survive a couple of hours with helmet head. I promise.

Ok. I guess that's pretty much all I got.

Maybe it's less of a manifesto and more of a Rules of Engagement kind of thing.


Dylan said...

Ha! It is truth. I have one more request for PWDBMVPBICE: it's really OKAY to pass a bicycle. When you drive along behind me I suspect you may be motivated by impure thoughts.

d said...

yes. i forgot about that one. i'm sure there are others that i didn't remember. let's consider the manifesto a work in progress.

Switchsky said...

well, somebody had to say it, might as well be you.